I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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