Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
