fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
