you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
