i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize