if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
