I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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