He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
