I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
