then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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