Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Randomize
