How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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