Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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