You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
