Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
