I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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