i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
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