What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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