and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Someone signed my nipple.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
