My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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