Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
