I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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