if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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