youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
