the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
We don't watch enough power rangers
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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