I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
