life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
In other news, I just burned my penis
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