I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
