Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
