I hate your face
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
