I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
