You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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