apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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