you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
