I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
