I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
