I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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