so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
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I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
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I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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