Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Ketchup is God's man juice
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
