Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
