I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My feet surprised me
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