Old men and throwing up are my life now.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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