I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
