I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
