We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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