all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
