He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
