How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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