Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Randomize
