You can't motorboat a personality
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
