I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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