just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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