new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
