I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
