We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
