you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
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Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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